Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Some of my favorite pics. Pyzam.com is a public service to the funny bone.


I still laugh like a hyena every, I mean every, time I see this.

Hearing my friend Jon say this is good times.

This is everyone's favorite picture at work. Everyone still starts with "Nooooo..." in a silly fat walrus voice, with appropriate ebonics, when something goes wrong. "Noooo I be burnin they's quesadillas!"

Per Gretchen's Request...

My dear friend Gretchen, my island of inspiration in the sea of mundane, a river of intelligence in the vast deserts of stupidity, a wellspring of friendship who slakes the thirst of loneliness, has lately, and rightly, decried, bemoaned and berated my lack of consistent posting. I tend to do things in waves and am currently in a trough (I also tend to use a metaphor in a work and beat it to death [I would argue that it is getting the most “value” out of a metaphor {like stretching leftovers.}])
I am verbose, to the point of pedantic sometimes, but mostly so in my writing. I’ve lately taken to more careful editing of my writing before I post; never a bad thing. I love to rant on some pretty touchy subjects, so I am constantly doing a lot of research to back up my arguments, or, at the least, not look like a complete buffoon or like someone who enjoys the taste of shoe leather. So, as I produce a larger body of work viewable by the world at large (think about that bloggers, the entire planet has access to your work, the only barrier is language and that gets less important every day [speaking of language, here’s another parenthetical aside: America, stop worrying that English is going to suddenly disappear tomorrow. It’s not. It is THE second language nearly every person learns {albeit imperfectly, but I wouldn’t trade hilarious instructions and signage for anything and I hope people in other languages get the same tickle when English gets translated into other tongues ((though holy crap, look at how tongue is spelled versus how it’s pronounced! For Pete’s sake, the “u” is silent [[thus useless]], but the “o” sounds like a “u” and an utterly useless “e” at the end. English is a terrific language, flexible, adaptable and easily expanded, but it could sure use some clean up!))} and there is no danger, none at all, that it will lose it’s prominence anytime soon. Most immigrants to the U.S. learn it eventually as a second language as it’s the easiest and best way to assimilate and become successful and it’s guaranteed {another useless “U”!} their children will learn and speak English. Must we do this every time there’s a new immigrant population wave? Wanna help Spanish speakers learn English? Get off your xenophobic horse and learn Spanish, then you can teach it to them. Most people I’ve personally met who advocate “English only!” don’t really speak English all that well, with a command of their native tongue akin to someone with no insurance steering a car with one arm draped over the steering wheel, the other out the window making wavy motions with their hands, recklessly speeding in a rust-coated jalopy with a four cylinder engine and half a tank of gas thinking they're going to drive from New York to Los Angeles. Better to be silent and thought a fool, eh?]) I’m striving to present a more streamlined and articulate body, devoid of overused metaphor and unlikely simile, uncluttered by excessive tangential thoughts, cleaned of abundant (and perhaps unnecessary) parenthetical asides and edited of proliferate use of commas, as well as eliminating run on sentences, which, while they do mimic the way most of us speak, just might be confusing to a reader.
So, in short, I don’t want to rush any important posts that need to present a well-reasoned and well-researched point of view in an articulate manner, though I do understand Gretchen’s urging for more consistent posting, as my blog is intended to inform and entertain you, my loyal reader (Gretchen, that’s pretty much you and that French chick in Scotland) as much as satisfy me. So, that said, I thought I’d focus another article on one of my favorite subjects: Nutrition! Here it is:

Eat less. Exercise more.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Snippets, most snarky, some not

It was a transcendent moment in human thought, when we put a price and a value on our individual time.

Some see the glass as half-empty. Some see it as half-full. In an hour I’ll be so drunk I’ll see two of them no matter what; how’s that for positive thinking?

The meaning of life is what meaning you bring to it.

The purpose of life is to give life purpose.

Some see the glass as half-empty. Some see it as half-full. I think it all depends on whether or not it has a paper umbrella in it.

That which doesn’t kill fools needs to be made stronger.

If your support and practice of a religion brings out in you the worst in human nature, you might be missing the point.

Sure, life is a banquet, but some days I just feel like ordering in.

Some see the glass as half-empty. Some see it as half-full. Does it matter if you don’t have any arms? You can’t reach it anyway.

Life is like a box of chocolates…remember, a retarded guy thought this one up.

I keep hearing that homosexuals are the cause of moral decay in the world today. Does this mean we’re going down in flames?

“The truth shall set you free.” Not so much. Friends with bail money however…

When will black be “the new black?”

“I am that I am.” Cryptic fellow, this God person.

If life is a banquet, why do so many religions tell me I should be living on beans and rice?

Xenaphobia: fear of strange warrior princesses.